My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
