It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
