its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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