My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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