well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
ugly people sure do ruin things
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize