you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Who died my cat blue again?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
