Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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