Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize