Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
