I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
