Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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