I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
