in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
