from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
