throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
