he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
