You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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