I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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