I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
