I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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