well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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