Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
