Dude my mom stole all your condoms
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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