I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
