theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i think i have herpe
just one?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
