One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
