You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
