I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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