Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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