It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
