Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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