3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
