I cut my penus on the lid.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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