Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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