I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
