She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
