Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
