now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
