she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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