when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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