Ambien. No doubt about it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
