Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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