I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
