if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
