The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
