apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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