youre lurking in front of me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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