Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
