hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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