Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I am naked and annoyed.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
