If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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