i would punch a child for taco bell
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
