The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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