Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
