Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
