So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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