i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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