I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
