Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you made out with another girl for some wings
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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