The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
