I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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